It is no secret the COVID-19 pandemic has taken a toll on people’s mental health. Kids of all ages have been affected, too. Their lives have been disrupted by changes in schedule and routine, as well as experiencing social isolation because of canceled activities and limited group contact. Mental health treatment is available for kids of all ages, but we must have a pulse on what is going on with our kids so we can know when that type of help is needed. It can be hard to get kids to open up, but below are some things we can do as parents to maintain contact and keep lines of communication open.
Show up and try. It can be easy for us as parents to fall into the trap of not being intentional about facilitating communication with our kids because we see them regularly and we assume they will tell us outright if they are struggling. This is not always true; kids are often unsure how to bring it up if they are struggling and unsure what to say about it. If our kids are struggling in silence, we want them to have a pathway to get help if they need it. We can also be guilty as parents of not initiating communication because our kids might dismiss us or deny anything is wrong. These are difficult conversations to have, but it is a much bigger mistake not to ask or initiate conversation even if there are no indications something is wrong. It is our job as adults to model how to talk about difficult things despite the fact it’s uncomfortable.
Assume the relationship. Even though our kids may not always tell us outright when something is wrong and it may feel like pulling teeth to get them to open up, you as a parent are an important figure in your child’s life. It is most beneficial to assume that is the case and to try to build connection even if it has been difficult before. You might get some attitude, but your child needs to know they are cared about enough for someone to try to get to know them and what is going on inside of them. All kids would like to have a relationship with their parents that works and it is never too late to try to mend anything that needs mended.
Give space and be open. None of the above means we need to constantly be drilling our kids for information or trying to pry it out of them. Let’s be honest – most of the time we spend with our kids, we are directing them, correcting them, disciplining them and pressing them for information. Every kid (and every person) values space where they can be themselves and where they can talk about things in an unpressured environment. That means you must stop talking, directing, correcting and even questioning, and you might be surprised what will happen. Try to regularly and intentionally spend time just hanging out with your child and listening without probing (let them spontaneously initiate talking to you) and then don’t criticize, correct, advise or make fun of them. You might just become a safe person for them to talk to.
Your kid needs you. Don’t believe you are not an important person in their life. What kid doesn’t want an adult in their home who cares enough to ask tough questions and then takes time out to listen? It is sometimes helpful to think of how you would talk to or treat another adult, or maybe how you would like to be approached and talked to, and then you’ll have a place to start with your kiddo. There is no guarantee they will open up, but it is better to try than not to try. There is nothing they can tell you that can’t be addressed and dealt with, and it may be helpful to involve a professional. We’re here if you need us.